'Oh God, something's wrong with me'
It's one of many troubling thoughts that force their way into your mind, especially during the dreaded season of Valentine's day. And in a way, you know there's nothing wrong with you; not really.
It's just that, well, you're single.
And others are, well-- not.
You're in college, and you're not in a relationship, and you have just decreed yourself as some kind of weird loser that can't get any form of affection. The giddy butterflies, the mythical kilig, the lovestruck looks-- all are missing and seem to be reserved for the lucky few that have their significant others. It certainly doesn't help that they seem to be everywhere, be it the walkway from BGPOP, the gazebos by the Raymund's building, the cafe tables in Cozy Nook, and the near taunting location of 'Lover's Lane' filled to the brim with sweet exchanges and affectionate hugs.
You don't want to think you're bitter, and you insist you're not! You're happy for them, really. But you can't help the sting of...envy? Sadness? Some kind of rejection that you're not privy to, and you're sure you'll never find out. 'Lord, kailan ako?' is a constant throwaway prayer in your head, especially as you see the hastily bought bouquets shared between couples.
...okay, you might be a little bitter.
'But it's not my fault', you think to yourself, holding your head up high and trying to not stare longingly at couples; the real celebrants of Valentine's day. You instead spend the day listening to playlists filled with hopeful love and kind promises of devotion that you can only dream of, the kind you see in your favorite dramas and books, daydreaming of scenarios you can only hope to replicate one day. 'I just know what I'm looking for. Ayaw ko magsettle, kaya wala pa akong jowa! I'm not lonely; I'm not a loser.'
Well, no one really said it was a competition now, was it? And yet you feel like you're in last place, destined to forever lag behind your peers, each with their own romances.
Let me hold your hand when I tell you that: you're doing fine.
As corny as it may sound, life isn't a race, and it never was. It's not even a marathon, where each landmark in your life is represented by a water break and a resting bench. No, life is just that-- life. And there's no one way to live it, no one way to dictate what to do, when to do it. Unfortunately, there's no definitive guidebook on how to live it. (Trust me, I checked)
But you can't help but look around, and gesture in annoyance to the couples, people around your age, each with their own partners without a care in the world. You wonder why if they have a significant other, why can't you? You'd even settle with a katalking stage, at this point. Any kind of proof to show that you are desirable, that you are worth liking.
And you are, and you know that. So, why should you wait around for any other kind of validation from others? Before you put your phone down to scoff at me, I want you to think, really think about it. 'It' being the meaning of Valentine's day; the day of 'love'. There's nothing that says that you can't be a part of that still! Even without a partner, love is surprisingly found in even the smallest of things, the simplest of gestures. The way your friends and classmates miss you, the embarrassing but endearing way your parents coddle you, the late night chats from your online friends. Each an expression of love that comes from the people around you, a celebration in and of itself.
And even then, love isn't limited to just that-- love isn't limited, period. It's not a finite resource, but instead as natural as breathing; your joy a burst in and of itself, love present in every laugh. The way you look in the mirror, liking how you look, liking who you are. That's the love that you're so used to, and yet a love that you need to refamiliarize within yourself. The celebration of love doesn't begin and end on Valentine's, but instead continues on throughout each day, the years ticking down with a promise of affection.
Loving yourself is like being your own best friend-- you wouldn’t ghost your friend just because they had a bad day, right? So why do it to yourself? Hype yourself up like you're the main character (Because you are, especially in that little daydreaming and delulu head of yours), laugh at your own bad jokes, and give yourself credit for even the small wins-- yes, getting out of bed counts. You passed your exam? Barely? Awesome, that's great in and of itself! A win's a win, after all. You’re a work in progress, and that’s the best part! You're always figuring it out, and each day is like meeting yourself all over again.
...Ok, yes. This may have been a long tirade of 'Self Love', but believe me, as a victim of it myself, I'd like to think I'm more than a bit well equipped to give a not necessarily wanted but much needed pep talk. I'm sure we've all heard of the Laufey song by now, and of course the catchy hook of falling behind in love is daunting. Sickly romances plentiful enough to make us hurl, and yet we can't help but eat up each new lovesick song, sweetheart-focused movies, and even just the most recent love team trending on social media.
But with that, now I pose to you; would loving yourself really be that bad? Really be that lonely? Because from where I'm standing, it doesn't seem as if love is going anywhere any time soon. So, may as well celebrate it along with everyone else, don't you think?
And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
