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| Photo by author |
“What do you do with today, when all you want is to go back to yesterday, but the only thing on offer is tomorrow?” - Oumi Mitsuru, Eternal Yesterday
DISCLAIMER: The short story consists of topics such as discussion of death. Reader's discretion is advised.
I remember it was a dark morning, there was no sound of life other than the crickets and the rooster from the next street. Everything else was blurry to me, as I had my eyes set on my dog. My brown puppy named Bogchi, as a wordplay for chibog since he liked eating so much.
And he was dying right in front of me on this particular day. I remember it being significantly darker, maybe it was the sun’s way of grieving, as nothing seemed to be bright at that very moment. He was lying on the cot that we prepared the night before, heaving as if he ran a mile for a span of minutes. We were already predicting that his death will be today, as he showed inevitable signs that he was getting worse the night before. And it was. I barely had an hour of sleep when my mother woke me up crying. I knew it was time, but when I went to him, he was still breathing, barely alive. I was preparing myself to be nonchalant, as my family were already sobbing, I should’ve been their rock for this moment. But alas, when we all seemed to realize that he was waiting for us to wake up before he could cross the rainbow bridge, tears ran down my cheeks. I was begging for him to let go, I kept comforting him that we will be alright even if he passes away. Because I felt at that moment he was scared that we might be lonely, but nonetheless death came to pick him up. His breath started to slow down. I bit on my bottom lip as I started to sob. My dog died, and days went on.
Everything either changed or remained the same, yet I’m still here. In my head, he recovered and lived on. In my head, he is still running around our house, eating every single food that we give him. In my head, he’s alive. But time could only pass, making me forget what he looked or smelled like. Everything is just a fleeting memory that get distorted day by day, until it only gets to occupy only a minuscule percentage of my mind.
Grief is something that no one wants to experience, as it has something to do with loss. Leaving them in the past as we tread on to the future, slowly shedding the loneliness and longing that we have for the ones who died. Death is inevitable, it is the clear proof of time’s power, one’s loss of breath, and life can never be back once again. Everything that was given will eventually be taken away, that's the rule. Grief is like a shadow looming over us, making our world significantly darker. Following our every step, haunted by what was lost.
Along with how death is unavoidable, so does loss as it is associated with it. Grief is usually perceived as a feeling of loss for a deceased loved one, but one thing that many people don’t know is that grief is everywhere. We feel grief every time, even with death or not. Losing people, dreams, chances, or anything else makes us grieve for its absence and a part of us wants them to come back.
But then again, loss is also a proof of time’s power. People change, dreams change, opportunities disappear, and sometimes we can’t do anything about it. We all go through the five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Like a Pandora’s box, that after all the hell that we will go through, we will eventually get to pick ourselves up and continue to walk forward with the memory of what was lost within our hearts, almost like a faint trace of a ghost following.
Losing my dog made me really scared that I would eventually forget what he looked like, so I kept holding onto him as if he might fly away from me, but what I didn’t realize is that everything is on a rest state. I am staying in the past the longer I grab the faint memories I have of him. And I wonder, will this be the same for the other losses that I will experience in the future? As I keep holding on, the longer I stay in the very place I was left at. As my being is faced to yesterday, my body needs to move towards tomorrow, making me dead but alive at the same time— a living corpse.
Still, grief is a gift. Yes, it is something negative. Loss is negative. Death is negative. But it mostly isn’t if we just view it with a more sound mind. Grief indicates how special someone or something that was lost, to us, it is also a proof of love. Losing people or things we love makes us grieve, and that alone shows that we care.
Healing from loss can take time, but that’s the thing, you can still heal nonetheless. You and I don't have to force ourselves to heal immediately; it comes in time until we realize someday that we have healed already. And that is the wonderful thing about love, we can also have our another number one, with our former number one in mind. Love is powerful enough for us to love someone or something new again; only time will tell.
So now that I am standing in the same spot where my late dog usually stayed, I remember it was also a dark morning, but the sun was slowly peeking its head into the horizon. With Bogchi (yes, funky name) kept in short vignettes of memory, I continue. I still live, not as a living corpse anymore, but as someone who is still alive and lives in the memories of who he lost. I may continue to lose much more, but I will also continue to keep them in my heart for as long as I live.
