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| Photo by the Author |
“Words—so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
Every time I look in the mirror, I would force a smile and I would wonder, "Why am I not pretty?" You see, I have this wound—though I doubt it's visible to the naked eye; it stings when I see myself in pictures, try on new clothes, or hear compliments that may or may not be thinly sugarcoated insults. I wonder when it will heal—or if it will heal at all, because this wound is as fresh and raw as those days when we were in the same room.
You were the image of beauty and I was your opposite. Your face was glass, whereas mine was covered in red dots. You were slender and owned every outfit you wear, while I was plump and struggling to fit into jeans. Those flaws of mine were the least of my concerns and yet, why did you have to remind me every day of all those years? Sly remarks, teasing questions, and slurs in front of my friends; you never fail to offer me those. I was relieved that we had parted ways, but your words continue to haunt me to this day. I don't know how many years have passed, and I don't want to think about it.
I can't bring myself to hate you, but I have to wonder what you went through to inflict the same misery on others. Was it because you had lost someone dear to you? Back then, I'd say you deserved it, but now I just want to understand you. Are you causing others pain as a result of what you've been through? And do you believe it's justified? It will always be a mystery as to how people can be so ignorant of how they are destroying others.
But I couldn't bring myself to despise you. I still couldn't bring myself to love myself, for all the flaws you've noticed, all the imperfections you've pointed out, all the belittling words you've spoken.
I forgive you. But I’m still trying to forgive myself for being me.
You have a lot of power, you know. To have control over one's life; one's fears, ambitions, and how one views themselves. Your words have the ability to either tear someone down or build them back up in an instant. Be delicate with it. All I ask is for people to speak of affirmations rather than mockery. To use words of comfort rather than torture. We’re all humans. We’re all just trying to get by and survive. Some of us have wounds that we don’t talk about. Like those that sting from triggers or bleed at surprising times. Some have wounds that have healed and are proudly displayed as battle scars. While some are struggling to heal, so they’ll be able to finally look into the mirror and smile that reaches the eye.
So please, be kind. Please, be kind.
