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| Photo by the Author |
Tell me, how do you forget someone your soul has chosen to remember forever?
My pen bleeds ink, just as how my heart bleeds for you. Like right now, one of those days when I woke up, carrying a fuzzy dream with only your face as its most vivid detail. I couldn’t blame you, but myself, who chose to lock myself in a cage and throw the key away. I wanted out, I wanted freedom, even if it meant parting myself with the idea of you—and us.
People always wondered why I was so attached to you when words were never spoken between us, like a lovesick puppy, a hopeless little girl lost in nothingness with only you as my savior. I was so hopelessly devoted to you. I’m not blind. I’m not an idiot. And yet, your presence gives me a reason—a will. And maybe that’s why I’m stuck, despite your reputation.
Curse the sunset that started all of this! If only we didn’t cross paths that twilight… If only I hadn’t caught a glimpse of your eyes… If only you hadn’t looked back… I wouldn’t have loved the moon that the sunset has brought. Luna. Luna. Luna. I’m sorry if I couldn’t help but compare you to the moon, the light in my darkness, at the same time, the haven out of reach.
I started to appreciate the moon that shone even in daylight. It would guide me on my path, which would somehow lead me straight to you, waiting before the stairs that I take every morning. Fate? No, I don’t think so, but of free will.
“This is Janine,” my friend introduced me to you. I didn't mind then, only nodding lightly before heading straight for the stairs. No, I wasn't a snob. I was trembling, my heart was doing backflips. I was dumbfounded.
It was your free will to get to know me, but it was my free will that disregarded you. I’ve thrown my chance down the drain and it made me regret the possibility of being close to you. After that, he, my friend never spoke to me. I don’t know what happened. Why avoid me? Why avoid me right after he introduced me to you?
But he was the least of my worries, the only thing that mattered to me back then was you. Was I selfish? No. I hope not. Because the moment I heard people along the hallway calling you “^%$%^$,” “#^%*)$,” “$#&$*i,” and other insults, that struck me. It sent my heart aflame—I wanted to protect you. I will protect you from the cruel world, even if others saw you as a cruel man.
A cruel man won’t make me feel safe and at ease, make me inspired and passionate… make me brave. Maybe that was one of the reasons I was so fond of you. You made me brave, that I was able to go out of my comfort zone—able to draw, sing, dance, and write, with every bit of me. I found myself when I found you. Oh, how pathetic that sounds.
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| Photo by the Author |
I made myself believe that you were meant for me. We were meant to be together. We’ve lived countless lives before and once again we meet in this lifetime. Yes, pathetic. But I couldn’t help but trust the idea of soulmates when I see you everywhere—the mall, the public market—even a dashing jeepney along the roads. You even went as far as haunting me in my dreams, up ‘til now.
And even though we were stuck in a labyrinth, ever-changing, always unsure, and full of hope and disappointment, I end up back to you without fail. Just like the time when you changed your mind and left with the sight of me, and then you went back to your routine of waiting along the hallways. The mixed signals infuriated me, made me want to curse you. I thought to myself, I don’t want this. The next day, I never took the same route again.
But you know what happened a few weeks later? I fell back to you, obviously, trapped in the endless cycle of you and not you. Why? I still don’t know the answer after all these years. I feared that the tenth grade would be the last time I’ll see you, so I took risks, writing you letters, and providing you with everything. I was a fool, tool, or whatever you want to call me.
I was still confined in this prison called you, that no matter how hard I tried to escape I just couldn’t. It was like a curse. A disease. A plague. And it’s bound to me. I was cursed to adore every bit of you, the way you walk, the creases on your face when you smile, the mischievous grin on your lips, and the way the sound of music dances in the air when an instrument is in your hands—just you, and every sorrow and joy that had made you you.
I thought I was doomed, and yet, someone tried to set me free from your grasp. Adding to the fact that you gave me a silly nickname that had me crying for hours and you being a complete dork towards me, that was what I want—to move on. I was reaching my fullest potential without you. I was starting to love myself and was starting to see the whole world that not only consists of you. I was free—I thought. Because one word, one look, and one strike of the drum got me stumbling back into the loop.
I loathe you. I despise you. I detest you. And every other verb that was synonymous to hate. I did. But I always knew that hating someone doesn’t always equate to losing fondness for them. In the end, I turned my back on the person who treated me like a little flower, for you, Luna. Are you happy? That I still chose you? Are you happy? That you still won? Because I am. I cannot see myself being ardent to anyone else but you.
At 3 AM, I woke up with tears streaming down my face. It was overwhelming. I dreamt that you were waiting for me like usual, and I went towards you. Then you were gone before I reach you. I spent my dream wandering on all of the paths we’ve met and all of the corners we’ve crossed until I reached a dead end. My heart swelled with so much longing. I want to see you.
You were one of the reasons why I’m choosing this path now, why I’m striving for a dream I didn’t know I had before. You connected me with the arts—music, writing, sketching, and films. I couldn’t help but be indebted to you. So, thank you. And even though I hold a tinge of rancor against you, you hold a big part of me.
I’ll still use my last ink to write for you because the arts are where I’m closest to you.
