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| Photo from Girl, Interrupted (1999), dir. James Mangold |
Content warning: This article contains a discussion of mental health struggles that may act as triggers. Reader’s discretion is advised.
In my life, there have been many times wherein I’ve had my hardships dismissed simply because others couldn’t see them. When I was in high school, I was severely depressed, and for a long time, I didn’t even know that I was. Any time I talked about my mental struggles I was dismissed and made to feel like what I was going through wasn’t a big deal; “mukhang okay ka naman eh” seemed to become a reoccurring character in my anti-sitcom of a life.
But just because my struggles aren’t visible doesn’t mean
they aren’t real. For so long, I thought that I was alone in my misery; how was
it that I constantly felt as if I was on the verge of breaking down, but
everyone around me—people of the same age, people I knew were going through
much worse than I—were doing fine?
I felt guilty any time I felt bad about myself, and hid
my pain instead of opening up and getting the health and support I actually
needed. I continuously tried to repeat this mantra of “you’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” which obviously proved to be useless because
eventually I just... snapped. I got tired of trying and snapped.
It was only when I started opening up about how I felt to
my family and friends that I felt that weight on my chest starts to lighten.
They constantly reassured me that my problems weren’t stupid and that I wasn’t
weak for feeling the way I did. And that didn’t stop there; every day, be it
from strangers or from people dear to my heart, I learn that others are
struggling, too; in each person, there is a war waging on—one many of us forget
to realize and forget to understand.
For Suicide Prevention Day, to help people like me feel less alone, I wanted to gather stories from people who’ve undergone something similar to what I’ve gone through: the constant struggle with what many deem the “invisible illness.” Reading these stories helped me feel less alone, and I hope that they can do the same for you, too.
Anonymous, 20
To my friends, I had good grades, an allowance most of them
didn’t have, and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. They didn’t know that I
had to take care of bills (albeit I don’t work to pay them, my parents just
give me an allowance and I try my best to make it all work), cook meals for
myself, clean the house, and then try to do schoolwork in the hours that I
don’t have any chores to do.
I had to carry all of that plus the pressure of maintaining my grades as a consistent Dean’s Lister. I felt so helpless seeing that none of my friends had the same situation or living conditions as me. There was no one to talk to because no one would be able to understand what I was going through. I felt like it was wrong for me to complain about my life when some of my friends had it harder than I did. I tried looking for professional help but having to explain to my parents what I need the money for and having to explain WHY I felt like I needed professional help was also a problem. I just had to continue on with my days and responsibilities because I felt like no help was available for me, and no one really noticed that I wasn’t feeling great.
Anonymous, 21
There has been a great decline in my mental health as the
pandemic hit the Philippines and the biggest influence in breaking me down is
the fact that I cannot leave my home and I am stuck with my family. I don’t
want to stay inside my house every day.
My family and I are not the closest as members of my family
have had unresolved conflicts even before I was born. The animosity in their
relationships contributed to shaping who I am today and how I behave with them.
It felt routine that there would be arguments with my parents, and it was
heartbreaking knowing that at the end of the day, nothing will change and we
will still have the same arguments because everyone here acts similarly. Even
before the pandemic, I would go home as late as possible from school and outings
with friends to avoid any social interaction within my home. But now I don’t
have a choice and have to put up the facade of a good kid as the youngest in
the family when needed, ending my day being exhausted and split into who I
really am and how I genuinely act with the important people in my life.
By the time the country goes online and it becomes safer to
go outside, the bar gets lower and lower. Online classes have been a struggle
since my house is not a healthy environment to be productive; I am already
drained the moment my classes begin. I don’t have an allowance, given that we
are also struggling with finances. Hence why I cannot pursue hobbies, hang out
with friends, or have a stable internet connection to maintain the time I have
with friends online, so I am left to myself consuming media (i.e. video games,
series, movies, social media.) But seeing most of the people I know on social
media enjoying their lives, and living with a better quality of happiness, makes
me both happy for them and jealous. It makes me believe I was predetermined to
never be able to live that kind of life. I am losing motivation to pursue the
arts (both as a hobby and as my education), I have insecurities in my
appearances and skills, my confidence swings constantly, and my anxiety worsens
as I fear losing friends and ruining new relationships. The same goes for my
future as I took a gap year. At this point, I don’t think anything will go in
the right direction even if I try to make a difference. Some people, or otherwise,
may assume I am relaxed since I am not attending college at the moment. I am
aware some people think highly of my art and of what I create. But the struggle
is real, knowing and expecting within myself that I could share so much more if
things went right.
Recently, since I have more time now, I’ve been able to open up to one of my family members. I’ve been scanning for medical attention and I am slowly getting re-interested again in my hobbies. I’m even trying dating apps! Most of all, I’m trying to be hopeful that maybe things may get better with just more effort.
M, 22
I’m not
the eldest daughter of an Asian family, but I’m the child they dumped all their
expectations on. Whatever my older sister or cousins couldn’t achieve, I had to
do it, because according to them, “They aren’t as academically gifted.” This is
a burden I’ve had to bear for most of my life. It didn’t really bother me
because when I was younger I didn’t realize what was going on. I thought it was
normal for kids to be under immense pressure. It didn’t really hit me until the
pandemic.
During the pandemic, I went through this slump where I
would ignore my college work, not turn in assignments, and basically drink the
entire day. My family didn’t know because I just locked myself in my room and
never come out. I also got into financial trouble which made everything worse.
I never reached out for help because I was afraid that the image everyone else
had of me would disappear so I kept everything to myself and clawed my way
through it. There were times that I just wanted to disappear and end everything
so my problems would go away. I figured that if I were gone, it would just be
easier. But that clearly didn’t happen.
It got worse this year; I was graduating and had to write my thesis. On top of it all, it was the elections. I was basically splitting my body into multiple parts just to keep up with everything. I turned my thesis in late, Leni lost, and I was a mess. My breaking point was when my mother started comparing me to other people because she said what I did wasn’t enough. I broke down and cried, and she and I had a screaming match. I basically begged her to acknowledge what I’ve done and recognize me as a person—recognize my achievements without comparing them to anyone else’s. I begged her to finally see that what I’d done was enough. After this, I reached out and booked a therapy session. I knew if I didn’t get help I wouldn’t be here now. There are times when I get called ungrateful, disappointing, and every derogatory term you could call someone. I just wish parents would see their kids as people as well. Some kids have a breaking point, and our parents should look at the signs and not just blame everything but themselves for why their child is like that. I urge them to open their eyes before it’s too late. Please.
Anonymous, 29
I never really thought of myself being depressed because I felt like other people had it worse than me, plus I was "fully functioning (gets out of bed, goes to work, socializes)," even to the point of overworking. But I knew something was wrong with me when I had my first anxiety attack while I was in a Grab on my way to dinner with friends. I didn’t even know kung saan galing yun because I was just going to dinner, it wasn’t like I was on my way to work. That’s when I decided to see a psychiatrist.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Adjustment Disorder. It was hard to believe at first kasi I functioned normally, but apparently, there are “high-functioning depressed people” (my doctor didn’t like to call it that though, she believes that people respond to their triggers differently). I apparently have a pattern on how I respond to triggers: escaping my pain or feeling it in another way other than emotionally. My 15-year-old self would slash her arm. She graduated from that and moved on to overworking herself to “escape”—but it was still the same: hurting myself in another way to not feel pain.
It was a shock to people close to me when I get diagnosed because I was doing well at work (because I overworked myself to be in ‘control’ of what was happening). But in all honesty, ayoko lang matawag na kulang, na masabi na “hindi enough” yung efforts ko because yun yung theme ng life ko growing up. I remember getting college scholar one semester and my mom going, “College scholar lang? Hindi university scholar?” Or the time I got a 4 in Statistics and it was unacceptable for me to get an almost failing mark (I took removals and passed the subject) because 'mababaw ' lang degree program ko. Or the time when my high positions in my organizations didn’t mean anything because my grades weren’t high enough. Or the time I felt like kulang ako as a girlfriend because I wasn’t a virgin when we got together.
Anonymous, 29
Back in 2018, I was doing a lot of stuff all at the same
time - career, acads (I was a working student), and other personal responsibilities
that may seem mundane to other people. The stress and pressure I felt were
quite intense, and being a person prone to holding grudges towards people,
things were something else. Mabilis ako
mag-snap and mairita, even with
the slightest things. There were days na
even those dear to me and some colleagues na
super bait sakin, napapagtaasan ko ng boses nang 'di sinasadya. May mga times rin na pakiramdam ko, parang ayoko na lang ituloy 'yung mga
stuff na ginagawa ko, gusto ko na lang
magpahinga buong araw and walang
gawin. Of course, that would be impossible.
There was a moment in October of the same year when I found
myself sa Ace Hardware kungsaan naka-display 'yung mga industrial-grade ropes.
Everything's hazy, but all I remember is gusto
kong bumili nung isa sa mga makapal na lubid. Because I wanted things to
stop. I wanted the anger to stop. Pagod
na kasi ako. I remember running towards the nearest restroom afterwards. 'Di ako bumili ng rope. Medyo nahimasmasan ako, I guess. Pero ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko.
Fast-forward to early 2020 (before the pandemic), I got in
touch with a close friend from college who was doing their med internship in a
private hospital. They were also dealing with personal battles, and nung nalaman niya 'yung ginawa ko, they gave
me a set of questions. Apparently, I had signs of being depressed.
Anyway, I guess I'm okay at the moment. Siguro the thing that kept me from doing that again was I tried to
remind myself of the reasons why I needed to keep going. Hirap pa rin, eh. Pero sige, try pa rin natin.
