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| Image by the Author |
An escape
All I want is an escape
Anxieties build up
Self-Preservation crumbles down
Bleak tomorrows and shady yesterdays
Built up to an unstable present
A present I’d rather keep wrapped
For none to open
Only to rot away, hidden
And yet, caring hands tear open
Forcing open feelings and sense of being
Affectionate ‘I Love You’s
Fill an empty heart
Empty mind
Empty worth
Nothing but a blank slate
To be molded into this
A productive member of society
A graceful and gracious student
Your perfect golden child
But to be gold is to be heavy
And time and time again I feel myself
Sinking ever deeper
I can’t breathe
I’m drowning
Drowning in love?
Or drowning in myself?
Thoughts and questions numb
As my mind fizzles out
On instinct I pull up my sleeve
I hesitate, I’m scared
Clean for three years
But what does being clean mean?
My headspace is a mess
Nothing but cluttered thoughts
Struggling to rearrange themselves to a mere imitation
Of what it used to be
Of what it could have been
Sorting out the different memories
Stored away and locked out of sight
Behind the sugarcoated memories of a happy reprieve
But still collecting dust
And I still need to clean and organize and fix and polish
I need to glow golden
Gold has no time for dusty nooks and broken crannies
I scrub and scrub
Foregoing the cloth and using my hands
My nails
My nails chip and bend and bleed
The tucked-away box, ever innocent
Pools out blood as well
The crimson intermingles
Which is which, I’m not sure
All I see is red, red, red
All I can do is see
No other senses penetrate my mind
No hearing, no smell, no touch
Only sight
Blurry at the corners, still painted red
Darkened edges fade in and out
Until finally it starts to clear
The red gives way slowly
And the blur from my sight
Gives way to clarity
An out-of-body experience cut short
It doesn’t come all at once, the pain
I feel sickened yet relieved as my leg swells
Horrid welts protruding from up my skin
I was always complimented for my skin
It would be a shame for it to be marred
My eyes don’t dare prick tears as I stare down
The skin under my nails still barely warm
I barely feel warm
I feel like a corpse
I wish I was a corpse
I close my eyes and cover my legs with my clothes
Block out my sight, only the sight
Out of sight, out of mind
Don’t show them
Only show them how you gleam
You’re blessed, be grateful
Let yourself glow and shine
But not from within
Reflect the light that is constantly bounced back to you
Mimic their light
Everything is fine, I can still glow
Nevermind what they don’t see
That’s your burden to bear
They won’t listen, nor do they wish to
They wouldn’t understand
‘You have it so good!’ They cry
Thinking that your state of life equates your state of mind
So, I struggle to stay afloat
And let my wounds fester
Then heal on its own time, hoping that your mind will follow
Keep the scratches covered, keep your lips shut
It’s better than cutting, right?
It heals better anyway
It doesn’t have the stigma, the stench of an illness
No, it only has the scent of soothing lotions
Hasten the process as much as you can
Don’t let yourself crack
Gold can’t allow itself to crack
Gold can’t rust
Breathe in, Breathe out
Practice what you preach
Copy the mental exercises you see
Let your body bend but don’t let it snap
They’re not allowed to hear it
Only allowed to see you
So let yourself be seen
Hide away into those forgotten nooks and crannies
Imagine yourself there
Imagine yourself in that dusted old attic
And let your mind wander deeper
A wonderful world
Without you in it
Ideas can’t come to life
Too many are at stake here
Your friends and your family would be heartbroken
Never yourself
But always other things, keep you grounded
Instead of swinging on a noose
No, Ideas can’t come to life
But you can always dream
